We’re in it.
The inconsolable crying. Fussing. Feeding.
Life is blurry.
Awake time and sleep time are mere words.
I get, on average, 5 hours of broken sleep every night. On a good night 6 hours. On a bad night 3.
My day is filled with activities, trying to keep Bert occupied and trying to keep Magnus at peace. Caffeine is my new best friend.
Magnus is as any newborn is.
They wake when they’re hungry which is all the time because they are growing so much. They cry when they aren’t feeding or sleeping because they want to be feeding or sleeping. They want to be close to you at all points and moving around because that is what they’re used to when in the womb. Evenings are the worst because nature has a fucked up sense of humour.
+ exhausted parents
= mental devastation.
Bert is continuing to be an active, curious, toddler of habit. On a bad day, he’s throwing full blown wailing, physical tantrums at the slightest smear on his fun and if he’s not got your continued attention he’s destroying something or whining at you. On a good day he occupies himself happily with his toys and talks to you a lot.
Together they are very, very tough.
I must be awake most of the night, energetic all day, tend to two little people’s ever changing demands whilst finding time to eat, wash, piss, sleep. All the basics I took for granted pre children. These two little people can not comprehend other people’s needs and often I find myself under an enormous wave of pressure.
I have cracked.
On a number of occasions.
The storm has engulfed me.
However, my parents and my in laws are keeping me and the boys (all three of them) a float. A float in this tempest of newborn/toddler chaos.
I knew this would be the hardest time in regards to having another child. The late stages of pregnancy, the birth, the newborn period. Dealing with the physical and emotional side of those things whilst having to care for another dependant who doesn’t have a vast emotional understanding.
My body is still not right from the birth. It takes time to level out. Piles, constipation, bleeding, pain. All a part of day to day life currently.
However, when life is really miserable, all I need to remember is how bad Albert was in these first months. Ten times worse than Magnus and we managed to get through it. They get through it and become these gorgeous, inquisitive little people who you just can’t get enough of. It feels like an eternity when you’re in it but looking back it’s like it took no time at all. Over in a flash.
Magnus is two months old. The peak stage for all these crying fits and such. My desperate hope is that we are at the top of the mountain, the absolute worst point, but in the next couple of weeks he’ll start to settle quicker, sleep more, fuss less. We’re only down hill from here.
I wanted to end positively. It’s not all shit.
These two little boys have stolen not just my soul but every part of me. These pictures don’t carry the raw emotions of these terrible weeks, only their beautiful innocent faces. When looking back that’s all I’ll see too and that’s what’s important.
Chin up to any other parents out there struggling. We are legion.